The only things that makes me happy right now is my friends and Josh - no wonder I’m debating whether to kill myself right now. It’d be so easy that it scares me but I don’t want to talk to someone about how suicidal I’m feeling right now. I’m worse than I was last March, I just managed to cut without anybody seeing. I just want to get a blade from my box and slit my throat. Get the rope in the garage and hang myself or even go down to the river and drown. Possibly even jump off a high building. I’m not scared of dying. It’s one of the few things I look forward too. I can’t even cut myself because Josh would hate me. I don’t understand why he’s with me. I’ve spent the last few nights crying and cutting and being down. He could be with someone who’s happy, somebody who could make him feel as good as he deserves yet he stays with me because he said he wants to be with me which is why it’s so hard to end it right now. I’d feel so guilty for leaving both him and my friends but it’s just getting too much. I can’t forget about what happened with Raphael nor can I forget the amount of shit I’ve had to put up with from my mum. I know people have bigger problems than me but I still have problems. How come is it I seem to have people that care yet I feel so alone right now. I seem to put everyone before myself, do what I can to help them with their problems yet mine just seem to build up constantly to the point that I feel like this. I can easily end it, I probably should.
Who would care if I left anyway?
Everyone who likes me.
Nobody.
